How Some Women Lawyers Choose to Get Our Groove Back, Mid Career
Feeling like you're stagnating? Here's what I've learned about shifting back into power.
Things have gotten a bit stale at work.
You’re in midlife, and you feel a little less noticed.
And yet, thankfully, you still mattered to yourself: you’re not satisfied getting tossed around.
On one hand, perhaps you think that others are not respecting you; but if we looked “under the hood,” there’s a layer, however, buried, where you wonder if perhaps you’re not respecting yourself.
Either way, it’s time to shake things up.
There are Questions
How did things get to be like this? You’ve always been such a star.
Is this a crisis, or an opportunity? You think about the overarching situation nonstop, with some vague sense of dis-ease, and yet you’re not “solving” it.
Most of all, usually, you are wondering, where do I start? What needs to change?
Why are you in need of a reset?
You’ve been hustling for years, seemingly forever. It is not overreaching to say you’re a bit burnt out. And yet, you know there’s still a fire (somewhere) inside, and you want to tap into it again (after some rest, to be clear). Hitting whatever recent milestones you’ve recently hit was exhilarating, but by now, you’ve adjusted to your new normal. Like B.B. King sings, the thrill is gone.
Nearby, unbeknownst to you, one of your colleagues is wondering pretty much the same thing, but for totally different reasons. She had just gotten through a health scare, and the rise of AI was creating massive shifts in her practice area. She’s worried that her practice group is not “moving with the cheese” fast enough. Now that she is squarely back on her feet, health-wise, it’s time for her to regroup and reassess, too
Crisis or Opportunity?
For those of us with a doctorate in worrying about possible outcomes and then arguing for the “superior” one, our penchant for black-and-white thinking can leave us frozen in panic, indecision, and frustration.
The only thing that was changing, after the nonstop ruminating? Her sleep: she wasn’t getting much of it, anymore.
Crisis or opportunity is a function of our “lens.”
Those who prioritize their physical and mental health, including rest, exercise, and seeking support, will have an easier go of - basically, everything.
Uh-oh, she thought. I barely move anymore, and this feels bigger than an issue for my therapist. Medication (through prescription anti-anxiety meds or self-medication, such as an extra glass of wine at night), sure wasn’t getting to the heart of the matter.
She needed, and/or you need, a reset.
If a reset is called for, what are the options, at a high level?
You can leave, you can stay, or you can chart a path somewhere in between. The reset might require an external change in environment, such as a new legal workplace, moving into a new practice area, or starting a business.
A reset without a dramatic change of environment? Staying is more likely to require an internal shift; a shift in thinking. This could include going after an expanded leadership role, pursuing professional development that challenges us in new ways, and/or rethinking our goals. All of this requires preparation to execute it well, and to make choices that are in alignment with who we are and what we want in life.
“I don’t even know what I need,” she thought.
You don’t know exactly where to start or exactly what needs to change. Transitions require planning and self-reflection to be successful.
“OK, what am I supposed to do, precisely?” you ask.
We need to go in two directions, simultaneously: (1) inward; and (2) outward.
Introspection: Clarifying the Way Forward by Looking Within
Do I really have to “look within myself”? That sounds so “woo.”
So many will proudly assert their preference for action over navel-gazing. Others show an aversion to introspective steps because of the discomfort that ensues when they explore their vulnerability, the parts of themselves that aren’t fully known.
Here’s the thing, though: being vulnerable is part of being alive. And not knowing yourself is costing you, dearly. Literally, and figuratively.
OK, so how am I supposed to “look within?”
There are as many tools for introspection as there are books in the library. Here are the tools that have been most impactful to me: (1) personality assessments; (2) journaling, and (3) feedback from others. Taken together, these give me the highest quality, and most actionable, insights into myself and which course corrections are needed.
Personality assessments
I have gained so much insight into where I should direct my energies using personality assessment tools. Over the years, I’ve taken many of them [Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), the Five Factor Model, the TAIS (Team and Individual Assessment System) test, CliftonStrengths, the DISC personality assessment, and others]. I don’t recommend one over the other but rather, I advise clients to take several so you can identify common themes and feel more trustful around the results.
Journaling
There are so many ways to go about this - some use art as a way to creatively express and/or understand themselves (such as my friend Olivia Ash, Esq., who wrote Painting the Landscape of Loneliness), to writing a stream of consciousness and seeing where it takes you (which my colleague and friend Elena Deutsch, owner of WILL, uses, based on a framework she has created using the book, The Artists’ Way by Julia Cameron), to journaling by making lists, such as of goals, or things to be grateful for. Each of these offer insights in different ways.
Consultants to the top law firms in the world rely on journaling, such as lawyer turned psychologist Larry Richard, owner of Lawyer Brain LLC. Dr. Richard has written about the power of journaling (for lawyers, specifically), multiple times, linked here).
I used journaling, for years, as a place to record my “doings” and moreso, to vent about my frustrations. This was largely pointless. However, things changed when a light bulb went off inside me, and I started googling for “journaling prompts for ____________ (and inserted whatever was gnawing at me at the time).” I would skim over the results, identify the most stimulating prompts, and put pen to paper. Every time, doing so would provoke deeper thought, and higher quality discussions with my inner circle about the insights that my writing revealed.
Feedback from Others
Let’s move away from criticism, and turn towards feedback (the difference? Intent, tone, and impact). Feedback is insightful, constructive, and focuses on behaviors and outcomes over personal attributes. It is respectful, and it encourages growth.
Why do we need feedback from others? In 1955, psychologists Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham developed Johari's Window, which is a grid comprised of four-quadrants, showing areas of personal awareness, including that which is: (1) Known to self and others (the “Open Area”); (2) Known to others but not to self (the “Blind Area”); (3) Known to self but not to others (the “Hidden Area); and (4) Unknown to both self and others (the “Unknown Area”).
Using the Johari’s window model to frame our discussion, by sharing information and receiving feedback (my add: in an environment with guidelines, to ensure trust and psychological safety is created), individuals can expand the Open Area, gain insight into the Unknown Area, reduce the Blind Area (a.k.a. their “blind spots”), and minimize the loneliness, and the lost opportunity, of the Hidden Area.
Or, put more simply, the definition of intimacy: “into me, see.”
I’m an introvert. Is introspection alone enough for my reset?
It depends. If you are looking for a smaller, slower, and less impactful reset, that might never happen, then sure, stick with assessments and journaling.
But why would you want that?
Isn’t the whole reason you are reading this article, and stepping into my world, because you want to play a bigger game? If so, you need to deepen your understanding of how to take advantage of a second element: others.
2. Your Inner Circle: Let in Others to Influence Your Vision & Strategy Around the Way Forward
American entrepreneur, author, and motivational speaker Jim Rohn famously said, "You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with."
And if you, like me, roll your eyes at white guys telling you what to do, Oprah Winfrey said something pretty similar: “Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher.”
But how do we work with that?
Some of us have been so busy working, we haven’t taken the time to nurture deep friendships, let alone cultivate a circle of people who will elevate us professionally. It’s totally understandable, and at multiple points in my career, I looked left and right, and questioned if I had the right kind of support (clue: if you are wondering if you have the right kind of support, you don’t; because if when you have it, you know).
And yet, the reality is that our closest relationships, whether we meet in the personal and/or the professional sphere (my preference: both!), have a massive impact on our attitudes, behaviors, and overall success.
I have found this to be so vital, and so often underutilized, that I created and taught a CLE about it for Lawline, and then went further and created a free downloadable guide, available on our website, about how to Find Your People. I told stories of my own “before” and “after” regarding finding my people in a LinkedIn post, too (the post, like the download, lean more toward the personal; but the lessons are transferable to the professional realm. Also, the Lawline CLE is loaded with resources about how to build your own professional inner circle, if you want to take a DIY approach).
Of course, in our signature (Inner Circle Mastermind) program, women lawyers opt to join a select, private circle of their peers who work in the same type of legal workplace that they do, and are at a similar career stage. Trust is established, resources are shared, and of course candid, kind feedback - offered only with consent given (remember what we learned about Johari’s window?) propels each participant far further than anyone would ever go alone.
Let’s look at some examples of powerful lawyers, weighing going it alone versus joining an inner circle of their professional peers (whether of their own making, or outsourced to my company or one of our high quality competitors):
1. Tanya, a legal leader who is overwhelmed trying to figure out how to reverse engineer her BD goals.
On her own, she stays stuck in her overwhelm, and tries a number of alternative strategies, usually not particularly succeeding at any of them, because she lacks focus, confidence and/or connections.
The legal leader who enters/builds an inner circle of her peers, one in which she feels trust and support, shares that she is overwhelmed, and the questions start, so everyone can understand her specific situation. Deep listening is a prerequisite so the others share experiences that are relevant. They need to know, among other things, if her barriers are internal, external, or both.
In her situation, let’s say it’s both. The group, ideally led by a moderator (who ensures, among other things, equal air time for each speaker and that community guidelines are followed), asks who would like to begin sharing experiences.
The first woman to speak shares a story about a time that she pursued too many strategies at once, and that approach cost her in the long run, because she was spread too thin. She also shares her favorite book and podcast on business development. Tanya’s ears perk up at expert resources, as she’s a reader, but also, she appreciates this woman’s candid, cautionary tale - one Tanya is unlikely to have been offered in a less intimate bar association event, for example.
The next woman who speaks shares a story about the process she used to reverse engineer her BD plan, and also, offers to make an introduction to someone in her network who might need the speaker’s legal services. Since this is an ongoing relationship rather than a “speed dating” type networking event, that introduction is far more likely to be well thought out and of higher value, thus leveraging Tanya’s time.
A third woman asks (according to the group’s guidelines) if the speaker would like her to share an observation. The speaker says, “Yes, please!!” Tanya is given some constructive feedback about how her body language, even in the group discussions, is undercutting her authority. “Wow,” she thought, “how long have I been doing that?” This tidbit, this gentle feedback, changes how Tanya shows up for the rest of her career.
Who wins? Tanya - and everyone else too, because Tanya’s cohort was carefully curated, and the moderator ensures that the conversation is relevant, respectful, and moves along.
2. Serina, a powerful in-house lawyer who is otherwise ascending the ranks rapidly, is physically ill when she has to present publicly.
On her own, she either avoids public speaking, to spare herself the psychological agony, or she proceeds despite the discomfort, which leads to a mixed performance and, even at best, a stomachache to contend with, both before and after the main event.
In contrast, if Serina builds or enters an inner circle of her peers, stories are shared about how others quell their nerves (safely). They discuss workshops, they name the coaches who have a particularly profound impact on them, and they make her aware of niche communities, specifically focused on public speaking (including one focused on speaking online); some focused on lawyers, some aimed at high-achieving women. Others share personal stories with Serina about how they changed their self-image, including even their clothes, to bolster their own feelings of empowerment and capability.
Most interesting and powerful to Serina were the experiences shared about using visualization (mentally rehearsing a successful performance) to overcome her speaking jitters. The speaker shared a link to her favorite book about the neuroscience of visualization, as it is a technique used by top executives and Olympic athletes all the time. Serina’s time was again leveraged, as she told her problem once, and got 7 perspectives that were highly actionable, for her to choose among and deploy - while having ongoing access to the individual who offered it.
3. Daya, a powerful woman facing a vitally important, yet intimidating, conversation that needs to be had. For example, she could be:
A junior partner who had earned the credit, but someone else claimed it.
An in-house lawyer who needs a Board member's support on a key strategic change, one that the CEO currently opposes.
On her own, Daya knows she is far less likely to execute these delicate conversations well. So, she does what any risk-averse, high-achieving, perfectionistic professional would do: she avoids them.
If Daya has a cohort to take her challenging conversations to, and seeks the group’s collective input in “workshopping” these conversations, she is left with a concrete path around how to execute on them. With her consent, the group co-creates a strategy, and not one pulled off a shelf, either. Daya directs the group where to go deeper, expanding the details/nuance, and where to shift away, when the experiences shared become off topic (to her). She gets highly bespoke direction, not generalities. This is leverage.
Bringing It All Together
Are the above scenarios crises, or opportunities? It depends.
How about the circumstances where you crave a mid career reset?
Are you willing to go inward, and outward?
Are you ready and willing, now?
If not now, when?
Love,
Rachel
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