Ready to start building some bad*** boundaries?
Hi gang,
Welcome to Issue #13. (I changed our subtitle.👆 You like?)
Today, we begin to uplevel our boundaries.
Story: I was at a dinner party, all couples. Listening to the men unfairly critique a local woman executive.
Their subtle sexism was spilling out all over the place, and worse, the other wives being complicit. Internally, I was in flames.
And, I had no idea if, or where, to begin to speak my truth.
➡️ My own emotions were spiraling;
➡️ I had no training in how to handle the matter; and
➡️ It would be years before I'd see this one, but I was in the wrong room (subject for a different piece).
So, I did what I'd learned to do in childhood: I quietly fumed, kept on a nice smile, and inwardly, privately, gnashed my teeth.
I knew there's be another "opportunity," and I had to prepare myself.
Probably because of my exposure to Buddhism, and/or a lot of personal growth speakers in my then-husband's entrepreneurial circles, I hit the books (links below).
Boy, did that kick off a journey.
I studied how to set boundaries without burning bridges and without burning out.
Dinner party example: If I could rewind the clock, I'd do the following:
1. Pause. Take a deep breath. Take time. Exercise. Get out of adrenaline mode before proceeding. The executive functioning part of your brain is literally shut down when you're in "fight" mode. You literally can't think straight.
➡️ I wouldn't address them that night because I was simply too agitated. But neither would I gnash teeth all night anymore, either.
2. Consider the outcome you want to achieve - both for them, and for you.
➡️ I'd inquire, internally if my goal is to "expose" their sexism, to try to convince them to change their views, to connect with them across our differences, or, something else? (Journaling helps me sort things greatly.
Paradoxically, meditation, sleep and/or intense exercise also helps me to clarify things - the paradox is that I'm not actively thinking. Clarity bubbles up (neuroscience backs this).
3. Lead with curiosity. Ask questions (not to "win," but to understand).
➡️ Next time I saw them, I could have asked, "When you said XYZ, what did you mean by that?"
Today's lesson: Boundaries are a skill set that can be studied, and improved.
Boundaries are a love gift we give to ourselves- and to others.
Advice (especially if you love hating your "enemy"): upleveling your boundaries will make you feel deeply connected to all of humanity.
Consider yourself warned. 😈💗✊
xo,
Rachel
P.S. BigLaw women curious to grow your book, boundaries and boldness in an intimate group of your peers, led by me, and with visits from our incredible faculty? Join me on Thursday, January 9 at 2pm ET to Experience an Inner Circle for yourself.
In our Inner Circles, I will be teaching lessons how to set better boundaries, gleaned from my life journey deconstructing fear.
We have poor boundaries because no one taught us otherwise. I'd love to change that.
We don't assert or maintain them, because we're afraid.
Sign up for Thursday's event before I close the room.
P.P.S. All: Save the date: Friday, January 24 at 3pm ET for an event with lawyer coach and author Gary Miles, Esq. where we'll spill the tea on the secret to long term, sustainable business development growth.
P.P.P.S. All: Grow better boundaries (I'll apply them to our lawyer minds and hopefully avoid you the red herrings):
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD.
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, et al.
Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Resolving Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior, by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, et al.
